What I really should be doing is working on this proofreading I have due on Monday. It’s 8:30 p.m. and I’ve already wasted the whole evening between the gym, a run to Best Buy to get ink cartridges, and a trip to the grocery store. (Usually grocery shopping is quite a drag, but I enjoyed the Fred Meyer tonight.) Instead here I am, ready to get some stuff out of my chest. Maybe cry a little (more).
It’s been almost two years since my last trip home and the closer summer gets, the faster my battery drains. I’m a bit ashamed to admit it (I’m 37 after all), but I need a break from being amatxu. I’m tired. I am ready to be that totally spoiled daughter again for a while. I want to be the one going: “Ama, have you ironed my shirt? Ama, what’s for lunch? Ama, can you make tortilla de patata for dinner? Ama, can you fix this button?” You get my drift. I just want to get on the first plane out of Boise and go. Too bad this having a job, my own kids, and bills to pay kind of gets in the way.
The first few years in Boise were tough. I had to get used to a different way of life, different pace, different people. I thought it’d be a matter of time and that I’d soon be used to it all. Sure I got used to a lot of things, and I learned how to enjoy what this city and its people have to offer. However, 14 years later and I still often feel like the foreigner I am. I miss my family just as hard as when I first came. I realized long time ago that this would never change, no matter how many years go by. I’ll always feel a bit out of place, and I will never stop missing my family. And so some days (today is obviously one of those days), are harder than others. I think, “how the hell am I going to spend another 14, 15, 20 years feeling like I do today?” and I’m freaking myself out. Luckily, I’ve been here before and I know it will pass.
Damn, 10:00 pm. Oh, well… I feel much better already. Who do I owe $100 for the counseling session?
- Murphy’s Law
- What distance
I understand that feeling. I thought by moving back I would get rid of that feeling but instead I found myself having taking on the American way and that I did not understand my own culture anymore. On the other hand, in the US I was “the German”, in Germany I was “the American”. When we would come and visit in the past, it would always have a feeling of vacation. But then actually living here, it did not feel right in the beginning. It took a lot of adjustment. Still as you said it before, the grass is kind of always greener on the other side. At least you have a community that you appreciate and where you found your friends, you have family in town, and most of all, you have some really good friends. Heads up! Summer is close.
Dunya, the grass is indeed always greener on the other side. And like I said, I know days like yesterday and I know they pass and then I’m fine. But one still has to go through them, and they are hard. But hey, what am I going to say to you, right? You ended up taking it a step (more like a ginormous jump) further and actually moved back.
Now, would you like the $100 by wire or Paypal?
I will think about it and let you know 🙂