Tips on cheating

Why would I be the only one not talking about the Petraeus scandal? Once in a while I like to be normal and read about current affairs. I don’t judge, but I do have some opinions on extramarital relationships that I’d love to share with you.

1. If you’re married, don’t.

2. If you’re thinking about getting involved with a married person, don’t.

3. If you still must —apparently, you’re one of those ‘hands-on’ people that only learn by doing— try falling for the guy/girl next door. This way, if it gets out, only their spouse will care, and maybe their family, providing they still talk to one another. There will be no breaking news on Fox, no articles published in every newspaper, magazine and pop-culture website known to man.

4. Really, how many more examples do you need? Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton, Rudy Giuliani and a bunch of women, John Edwards and Rielle Hunter…

5. Keep it to yourself. If you can’t do it, why would your friends? You’ll have to be more careful if you’re a man, though. I don’t understand how this is possible, but apparently women who cheat hide it better than men. (Ah, it says we’re more psychologically sophisticated. Of course!)

6. Delete your e-mails (although I’m pretty sure this will do nothing if you’re playing with the CIA or the president of the United States.)

7. You can still get caught when you least expect it. Seriously, don’t grope and drive.

8. If you happen to be male and famous and get caught cheating (see #4), don’t worry about it. You’ll be just fine.

And remember, eventually you both will be outed. It might be a whistleblower or one of you guys writing your memoirs, but the affair will undoubtedly be known. For the latter, however, it will be nice to have those emails to fall back to, thus conflicting with Tip #6. You’ll have to exercise your own judgement here, which obviously is quite poor if you’re in the middle of an affair, so I bet you are going to keep them.

You’re welcome.

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