Is it really possible? Are there people out there completely happy or do they just put on their happy masks before they leave their houses? I do that a lot, and it gets old. It’s not all the time, but it is more often than I’d like to. Most of the time I just go with the flow, I do my best to ride with the bad times until they go away. But it pisses me off to feel this way. My life is pretty damn good: great husband, cool kids, awesome friends, a job that I like, a nice house… Why the fuck am I not completely ecstatic?
I’m on edge half the time, always wishing for something else – to see my family more often, to have Mike in Boise most of the time, to buy the next MacBook model, to loose weight, to keep my friends from leaving, to get more translation jobs, to have bigger boobs, to speak better Basque.. The list goes on and on, and really doesn’t matter, because once I fulfill one of those wishes something else comes around that prevents me from feeling content. It really sucks. I was not like this when I was younger – at least I don’t think so, although I’m sure there is some of that “past times were always better” type of feeling going on here.
One thing I have come to accept is that change is not my friend, I resist it, I have a hard time with it, basically, I hate it. And it doesn’t have to be anything big; small does it for me too, aren’t I lucky? So really, Im quite fucked. Life means constant change, therefore, I’m constantly struggling.
I’ve tried different things (pills, therapy, exercise, massages, you name it), and they all seem to work for a while. Then all of a sudden I feel restless again, like nothing has a point. I feel like I’m not doing a good job with the kids, I lose my patience, l snap at my husband for stupid things and I wallow in self-pity until, somehow, one day, I get up and I have snapped out of it. Sometimes I blame it to “that time of the month”, but really, you can only use that excuse once a month.
I don’t know, maybe other people feel like that too sometimes, but they don’t talk about it either. Maybe I just need to grow up, suck it up and realize there is no fairy tale life. Or maybe, I just need my mom.
(Photo from http://3.bp.blogspot.com)
- Just whatever
- So he’s a serial killer, who cares?